I just want to go back to bed. I’ve been sinking for a while, but I only really started noticing it within the past few days. I don’t know if it’s me or if it’s the medication or if it’s something else. I’m failing again. I’m failing and all I want to do is go to sleep and pretend everything outside of my bed doesn’t exist. I got an email from someone I respect today because of how I’ve been acting this past year and I feel like I’ve just been slapped in the face. I just want to go back to bed.
Every holiday celebration seems to emphasize the fact that I am far more comfortable around my boyfriend’s extended family than my own. I understand why this is, and in a sense it makes me kind of sad because I grew up with my family and I love them. I think overall I’m more so just happy to have found a group of people that I’m comfortable around. That it happens to be my boyfriend’s family is also a definite perk considering I don’t have to face the stereotypical hurdle of my significant other’s family not accepting me.
What do you do when you realize you’re holding your breath in anticipation of a moment that you hope never arrives?
I can’t tell if it’s better, worse, or if I’ve just become numb.
Can’t stop. Won’t stop. Ignore the rest.
I can’t decide if I want to go to sleep so that I can be well-rested for my 9-5 shift tomorrow, or if I want to stay up a bit later and work on…. something.
I could do homework. I could read. I could crochet. I could clean. I do work on merchandise prototypes for Guild Seal. I could work on grad school stuff. I could plan the wedding that I’m going to have at some point after grad school. I could work on FFW stuff.
And the list goes on and on and on.
So much to do, and never enough time and energy. I really need a break…
Tuesday, I drove through a blizzard to pick up my friend who lives a few miles south of me so that he and I and my boyfriend could go on an adventure to the mall and then to our favorite restaurant (which was closed due to the storm) and then to another restaurant and then back to my friends house to drop him off before finally coming home.
Wednesday, I came home after class and later on I took a nap to try to get rid of the headache I’d had all day. I woke up from that nap, drove to the house of the friend who lives a few miles south of me, and proceeded to take another nap. I then woke up at 3 AM to take this friend to O’Hare, after which I promptly drove back home and slept and watched some of the first season of Game of Thrones before I went to work from 4-10.
Today, I drove up to campus to take care of a bug in my code that was not allowing a page for my portfolio project to show up. Now, I’m back at home getting ready to drive down to West Lafayette to pick up my little brother. I’m then going to go get coffee with a friend at 6:30.
I have very mixed feeling about all of this in addition to the many things I didn’t mention that have been going on such as other homework and family stuff and friend stuff and personal stuff.
Despite all of this, I think I’m still doing alright in a general sense.
At least this week seems to be off to an okay start considering the fuckery that was my Saturday.
Note to self: if you wait too long to go on break and eat even though you’re pretty freaking sick, you’re going to have a bad time. And again, fuck you too, body.