April 2010
20 posts
(60) I was about to go to bed.
Then I remembered something and decided to stay up a little while longer. So while I’m waiting, here’s a little update.
I’ve been extraordinarily exhausted for the past week or so and it’s gotten worse in the past few days. I’m not complaining though. I haven’t had caffeine for two days and if the worst thing I have to deal with is exhaustion then bring it on....
(59) Yuck.
My stomach is all twisty.
My chest hurts.
I feel nauseous.
I don’t know what I want to be doing in five years.
I don’t know what I want to be doing in five minutes.
I don’t know where I want to be.
I don’t know who I want to be with.
I don’t know why I feel so incapable of moving forward.
I don’t know why I feel so incapable of interacting with people.
...
“I love you
For your little,startled,thoughtless ways”
– E.E. Cummings
This quote (among others) has been popping up randomly in my thoughts for weeks…
(58) Where did all that time go?
I feel like I just started college and already my first year is almost done. I’ll be completely done with classes and finals and work as of May 5th and I’ll be moving back home on the 8th.
I have no idea what I want to do next. I know that I don’t really have any choice but to stick to the path I’ve set out on. A part of me just kind of wishes to take a year off now and...
(57) Where would I be?
I think having other people to live for makes life easier. I’ve spent most of my free time in the past few days watching an anime called Fruits Basket and that concept got brought up in one of the episodes. It made me start to think about where I’d be if I didn’t have that mentality. I’ve been really self-centered lately and I think it’s definitely hurt me more than...
(56) It's songs like this that make me want to...
It’s only been about a year since I essentially gave it up. I don’t know if it feels more like yesterday or forever ago, though. It wasn’t necessarily a big loss. I love listening to music, but playing it has never really been a great passion of mine. I was better than some of the people in my school’s orchestra, but not many and not by much. I think if I had actually...
(55) I finally figured out what I want to say.
Now I just hope you’ll read it and realize it’s meant for you because, for one reason or another, I still can’t bring myself to say this to you directly.
I realized today why I’ve never been able to really give up on getting close to you. It’s been a while since we first met. I still remember seeing you in the halls of our high school and being inexplicably attracted...
(54) I put up walls...
to see who’s willing to try to break them down.
I try to break down walls, but I give up sometimes. Not because I don’t want to get through to you. I want to help you more than you could ever possibly understand. I just tend to adopt the mentality that I’m just me. I’m unimportant and average. I’m not good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or funny enough to...
(53) I just haven't met you yet.
So, in addition to the lovely stuff detailed in (52), I’ve also come to another set of revelatory conclusions. I have no real idea what I want to with my life. I looked through things today and I realized that in order to transfer schools and double major, I’ll have to stay in school for about an extra year and a half including summer classes. I can’t do it. I’m getting...
(52) Please allow me to explain.
I understand that everyone experiences emotions as a rollercoaster sort of phenomenon; one moment were up and in the next we’re down. I don’t know if my rollercoaster goes any higher or lower than the average person’s, but I do know how I react to the highs and lows and that sometimes they seem to go farther than they should in their respective directions.
This week has mostly...
(51) A cynic is only a frustrated optimist.
I’m probably not going to be posting anything here for… I don’t know how long. I’m in a place that I’d rather not explore through public posts on a website, so I’m just going to put things here on pause for a little while.
Like anything I post here is even interesting enough to be missed, right?
Just thought I’d let you know.
Night, loves.
<3
(50) At least my weekend didn't suck.
To sum it up:
Indy, new acquaintance, Denny’s, hookah bar, cute guy, Rockband (regular and Beatles), finding out the cute guy finds me attractive, falling asleep at three am
and that’s where the excitement ends.
Most of that stuff took place on Saturday, by the way. It was all pretty fun. Even the hookah bar wasn’t too bad considering I’m usually of the mind that...
(49) It's moments like this that lead to me doing...
I feel utterly frustrated and stressed and useless and lonely and tired and several other things that I can’t quite name right now. I’m suffocating beneath it all and I just want to get up and run and scream at the top of my lungs until it all just goes away. I wish I could say that I think this is why I’ve been sleeping more lately and why the lovely chest pains that started a...
(48) Spring looks lovely on you, me dear.
I’ll be leaving this place in about a month and it seems like everyday it gets prettier just to show me what I’ll be missing. I’ll miss this place, really I will. This campus has so many wonderful qualities and people that it will be very difficult to part with it at the end of the semester. I’m realizing things about myself that I’d either never seen or simply forgot...
(47) You didn't see it...
but I totally just winked at you.
I think today can best be characterized by random thoughts such as that one and my rememberance of why I typically stay away from fixed forms when I’m writing. I watched my emotions and expressions explode and splatter a clean sheet of college-ruled paper with a few lines of what was to be the beginning of some form of poetic nonsense. I got through the...
(46) So sleepy...
must crash soon.
This week has the potential to kill me. I have several things on my mind which are frustrating the hell out of me so hurray for that. It’s only Monday and I’m already exhausted. And the best part of it all, I have obligations at every turn. Classes, work, a movie that I have to go see for one of my classes, a quiz, and I’m spending my weekend down in Vincennes...
(45) Yikes...
Today was going rather well. I slept in until about noon. I ate some tastey food (leftovers from Long John Silvers followed a bit later by an egg and some toast). I watched The Last Samurai. I went grocery shopping with my dad. I came home and watched Aladdin. I bonded with my two brothers and my future sister-in-law. I hardboiled some eggs. I baked lemon squares.
Here’s where things went...
(44) It's amazing what distance can do for people...
My best friend from before college and I had a nice long phone conversation today. I’m really glad that we’ve reached a point where this is possible again. Cora and I have been best friends since about seventh grade. We knew one another from our participation in the school orchestra program (having each started the year before and also having each chosen to play the violin). We...
(43) Ugh.
I feel like everyone around me has an anyone. If you get that reference, I <3 you like crazy. If not, the rest of this post will allude to it’s significance, so hopefully you won’t be completely lost as to what I’m ranting about tonight.
Anyway… yes.
I have grown up as one of those silly girls who bought into Walt Disney’s fancy, idealistic images of...
