I absolutely love driving. I spent a ton of time in the car as a kid and the love of it just stuck with me. There’s nothing better than tagging along with my dad when he goes to run errands or asking to borrow the car for a few hours and just navigating my way through NWI. It’s very relaxing. Sometimes, I even get friends to tag along so that I’m not alone; though I usually prefer the solitude. Freshmen aren’t allowed to have cars on campus and I don’t actually own my own car yet, so I’m rather stranded here and at the mercy of my dad’s schedule and whatnot when I’m at home. I don’t go out often enough for it to be a problem and when I have a job I contribute money to pay for the gas, so my dad rarely declines when I wish to go for a drive. I hate feeling so stranded, though. Walking is nice and the bus system is okay to an extent, but I really miss just being able to hop in the car and drive around aimlessly for a few hours or go hang out with friends. I also miss being able to travel without having to rely on others.
I was really looking forward to seeing my family and friends this weekend, but my friend who usually travels with me couldn’t get out of work. He’s sorry he can’t make it and has apologized about two or three times now. My dad has things he needs to take care of tomorrow and, on top of that, would have had to use my mom’s suv because the tires on his are getting bald. I told him not to worry about it. I’m not going to lie and say I’m not disappointed. That would defeat the purpose of my keeping this journal of sorts. I understand the issues keeping me from home and I accept them, but I am still disappointed and upset by the situation. At first I wasn’t even sure why I was so disappointed. It’s not like I’m used to going home and my routine has suddenly been interrupted and I’ll be going home in two weeks for spring break anyway, so it’s not like this was my last chance to get home before a long stretch of time away. I’m disappointed because, while I generally prefer my alone time and enjoy the moments when it occurs, there was a little ray of hope that I wouldn’t be alone this weekend and I was excited about it. I’ve spent the last few weekends on my own and I was looking forward to being able to leave my lonely little room for a few days to be around family and friends.
It’s not like I don’t have acquaintances here that I could spend time with. I do. I’m just reluctant to let those acquaintances get close enough to me to become friends when I know that in a few short months I’ll be going home with no intention of coming back. I know that eventually this was going to have to happen anyway; we’ve all got to graduate at some point, afterall. I’m just really cynical that any connections I make in the next few months will last and I don’t really see the point in trying. I know from experience how hard it is to maintain bonds shared between people who have been friends for years. I am not the type of person who can be satisfied with having a long distance friendship with someone I just met. There’s only so much you can learn through the online chatting and phone calls.
I lived in the same house from when I was 2 until I was 10. In those eight years I made many friends. I reconnected with my two bestfriends from those days on myspace and then facebook a few years ago after not really talking to them for several years. I’d tried to keep in contanct with them in the beginning, but even though we were only about a five to seven minute drive away from each other, we still couldn’t manage to keep in touch and over time we just gave up. I know that the connections we make in elementary school tend to be less strong than those we make as we grow older, but I still can’t get myself to ignore how much has happened over the years. I still remember many of the people I’ve met, at least in name if not more. I can nearly guarantee that many of them wouldn’t even recognize my name. Not just people I knew from my childhood, either. I noticed similar things in high school, too.
I remember I once gave a guy a ride home after one of the open mic nights SOSA had held. On the way home, he and I got into a discussion about… well… me. He eventually asked about my relationship status and was shocked to hear that I was single. He then resolved to find me a guy. He seemed really animated and excited about it. He even asked for my name and e-mail so he could find me on myspace. In my mind all I could think was ‘wow, this could be really interesting if it actually happens’. It didn’t. The next time we even talked was about a year later when we we’re both helping with a drama production. He didn’t even show any signs that he recognized me in any way.
There have been other occurrences similar to this one; people who meet me and seem really excited to get to know me and then forget me soon after. I know that this is mostly my fault. I put myself out there just enough to get someone’s attention and then expect them to take things from there. I intentionally make it difficult for people to get to know me; even the people I trust most don’t know everything. I’ve been betrayed by people I’ve trusted before and that’s honestly contributed greatly to the fact that I now have trouble trusting anyone. I’m not proud of this and I understand that not everyone will hurt me intentionally, but it is still difficult to let go of that fear.
I was looking through some old photos of the fort which used to stand in the backyard of one of those two childhood friends of mine. He has some old pictures of it on his facebook along with picture of the day he, his dad, and his brothers tore it down. We had a lot of great times in that fort. I still remember looking at the things his brothers had written on the walls and thinking ’someday we’ll be the ones writing things’. That day never came for me. I moved away before that could happen and I’ve only visited them once since then. As I was looking through the pictures, I started thinking about how things turned out for us all and what would have happened if I hadn’t moved. Would I have gone on to date that boy with the awesome fort that I’d know for as long as I could remember? Would I have been more athletic or in the “popular” crowd? What would it have been like to go through twelve years of school with the same people. Would I still like the things I do now? Would I still be going into education?
Would I still be this afraid of becoming acquainted with new people. Would I still be afraid of being forgotten?
I don’t regret moving and going through the things that I’ve experienced. I would never consider altering time to see what would have happened had I not moved. I am mostly satisfied with who I turned out to be and I think my life would be way less wonderful without some of the people who have come to play a major role in it.
It’s just interesting to sometimes sit and wonder “What if…”.