life's not waiting

My heart, my mind, and my body all feel very tired and very heavy. Luckily, my older brother is getting married on Saturday and my younger brother is graduating from high school next week, so there are plenty things to distract me from such unpleasantness.

The pills are still working their magic. This isn’t that kind of mood shift. This has more to do with various, “normally” stressful things in combination with a summer that already promises to fly by too quickly.

I need an adventure.

I tend to be rather independent. Thanks to my mother, I’ve also never been the type of girl who goes to college solely to get an Mrs. degree. Still, I don’t do well on my own. I never really have. In the past, I’ve tried to fill the void left by my life’s missing male lead with auxiliary characters that I dressed up to look the part. Few of them were suitable substitutions, and only one left any sort of impressive imprint on my life. No matter how much I tried to redefine their purposes in my life, none of them ever truly fit the role. 

As of this upcoming Saturday, I will have been with Jake for six months. 

I think I’ve finally found my anyone. 

I sincerely hope you find your’s.

I’m still here, I promise.

I haven’t posted anything in a long while, but I look at other people’s posts daily. I believe the last few things I posted were about a rather large change I was undergoing in my life. Since I’m feeling up to sharing, and since I’d like to get back to using this as a journal of sorts, I might as well pick up where I left off.

Last September, I began making weekly visits to the campus counseling center. A few weeks after that began, I also started taking medication for what was diagnosed as a mix of depression and moderate to severe social anxiety. The past several months have been… interesting. Some days have been better than others, and some were absolutely horrible. Luckily, everything happens for a reason.

Soon after I started on the medication, I began developing what is now a rather spectacular friendship with someone I had originally met in one of my first classes at this school. He and I had had some superficial conversations last year, but we didn’t start hanging out until last fall. I can’t even begin to describe how grateful I am to have had the chance to cultivate this particular friendship. He and I share a great many interests such as language, traveling, and writing. Speaking with him and being acquainted with him has led to many new ways of thinking, new bits of knowledge, and new friends. Even more importantly, he introduced me to Jake. 

Jake’s been my boyfriend for five months as of last Thursday. He’s… perfect. We share an overwhelming amount of similarities with one another, but we’re different enough that things never get old. I could go on and on and on about how amazing he is, but I’ll save that for another time. Regardless, he’s been with me throughout almost the entire time that I’ve been going through therapy and dealing with my medication. For a few months, he was one of four people who actually knew that I was going through all of that, and he was the only one who got to see every high and every low. There were moments where I felt as though I couldn’t go any further, and that my life was meaningless. He stood by me through all of that. I’m sure I was terribly annoying with my constant self-deprecation, but he still stayed by my side and did his best to persuade me that I’m not useless. 

That’s all I have to say for tonight. I’ll try to post something else soon, and I’m also going to try to go back to posting songs, music videos, and quotes that I like more often as well.

TTFN

<3

Today’s my 21st birthday!!!

Where in the world did all that time go?

My current mantra:

The end is so much greater than the means.

One of these days I’ll be able to wake up and make it through the entire day feeling as though everything is and will continue to be okay.

In the meantime, I’ve finally turned to weekly therapy sessions and possibly some form of medication depending on how tomorrow’s appointment goes. 

Baby steps…